My Very Own Personal Waste of Space 

New Site

My blog is now at 22blog.com. I liked BlogEasy, but after I overran my bandwidth limit, comments didn't work anymore. Oh well, goodbye Blogeasy.

The Pantless Cucumbers

Has anyone ever told you that they are wearing nothing but a pair of Care Bear pajama pants? I thought not.
I changed the look of the site back, it fucks too much with my eyes and now people can see where the COMMENTS are... so you can USE THEM... like now... kthx.

JFC

The Avs signed Kariya and Selanne. WTF? The Wings signed Hatcher. WTF!!!! I hate both of those teams now. All the Rangers need to do is sign Leetch and I think I'll be alright. I know this team can make the playoffs, thats all I want right now, just to see them get there. Ah well, I'm thirsty.

Tricksy little spiders

I just watched the Two Towers again, after I managed to get it to work on my DVD player. At the end Gollum is talking about having 'her' do it... If you've read Return of the King, then you may know 'her' is a giant spider. I realized that out of all the animals that we use as villians, spiders are probably the most overused. The last boss of Metroid Prime, Metroid Prime itself, is a giant spider. A GIANT SPIDER! Not a METROID, as the name METROID PRIME would suggest, a fucking spider. This pisses me off to no end. I'm still angry about it months after I last beat the game. The Metroids in the game were only scary to me because I played the other Metroid games, where they actually BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU. Even though Prime was an incredible game, that fucking spider and the pussyass Metroids have kind of dampened its appeal to me.
In other news, I need to stop posting late at night when I'm depressed, it comes off all whiny and pathetic. If I stop posting at night, then maybe I won't have these urges to just edit out everything I wrote, regardless of the fact that this would be completely ineffective, because people have already read it.
I really hope I read Return of the King wrong and Shelob is actually not a giant spider, because then I would look like an ass and have no basis for coming up with the idea for writing this post, plus I would like Return of the King better.

I'm Still Tired

Alright, I'm back, it's 11:30, and I'm recovering. I'm tired, so I'm just going to type up whatever comes to mind as I'm typing.
Ever since I wrote one of my posts, I've been thinking less and less about (eh, I'll say it, nobody knows who she is anyway) Ashley and more about another girl, who I hope doesn't know that I like her, and even if she does, I'm not going to act on it unless she does; I've gotten screwed too many times by saying shit. Ashley knew that I liked her early on, so maybe I broadcast too much, but it's not something I can easily change without becoming a total asshole to people... it really sucks being an honest guy, it's too hard to hide what you're feeling. I wonder if she has figured this out.
It's interestingly theraputic for me to write now, after all, for about 16 years of my life the last thing I ever wanted to do was write anything. English has been my least favorite class for a long time, and it's probably the one I'd be best at if I actually tried. After graduation, the immeadiate thing was that I was going to Kentucky for one big blast to get school out of my system, but now reality is sinking in, and I'm going to need to get a job over the summer, get my liscence, and get into a fucking college... WHY THE HELL do I always wait till the last minute with everything I do? Maybe it has something to do with perfectionism, if I can't find the perfect situation I guess I just shut down. I've discovered that I do things out of paranoia to avoid being too weird, and I think that I end up being weirder because of it, because I can't do anything naturally. I need to keep writing these things, they appear to be helping me work out my problems. By the way, yes, I've been to a psychiatrist, and I ended up playing head games with him. I would figure out what he wanted me to say and then say the thing which would direct him away from whatever he was getting at. I remember during that hell of a sophomore year that I had, Mr. Scire told me, "I think you want help." I said something to the effect of no, and later I think I wrote like 3 or 4 letters when I was really depressed asking someone to help me. I really think that I'm the only person who can help me, because even when I end up with someone that I can really talk to, I just end up saying what I need to say for myself, and they still aren't able to help no matter how hard they try.

because i need you more than you need me
because i want you more i know
because we move too fucking fast
i think i really had to wish to make this last i know
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
because i cared way more
because i really felt that you felt so much more i know
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could
believe me if you could

-Box Car Racer - Sorrow

I wanted to put this in, because I'm still trying to work Ashley out of my head, and if we had a song, that would be it. Maybe it's another step in the 'healing process.' I think everyone who reads this who cares should download this song. Ashley still hasn't as far as I know, and if she reads this, I wish she would care enough to download it, or if she still can't get songs, get a friend to do it and burn it to a CD for her. That and Box Car Racer - There Is. Two fucking amazing songs, AMAZING songs. She isn't going to do it, because she doesn't give a shit. Ah well, enough depressed ramblings for one night. I'm going to try and write up a real, factual summation of what happened in Kentucky for those who care about the miles of CAT5 cable we torched up with the gigs of pr0n we traded :p

Pre-Update Update

I'm home. I like home, and I don't like the fact that whenever I come home from some long drive, the fucking traffic from Darien, 25 miles from my house, takes an hour, EVERY TIME. I have so much shit on my computer right now... I downloaded things off those ftps twice sometimes. Listen to this: I downloaded every single Game Boy Advance game ROM from one person. That's the US and Japan game libraries... over 1000 games.
I'll post another update when I have the time to write, I'm currently decompressing.

Time?

Time no longer has any meaning for me. I am currently sitting up at 8:30 AM typing a post for my blog while half-watching an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force being played on the big screen. I don't even get the show, it just happens to be on and its 8:30 AM. I got here at about 4 yesterday, and i've been up since then. I officially have the worst sleeping habits ever after 3 full days of this. I got a ride to Papa Johns from a friend of Andrew's that he met here, me and Bob split a mushroom and black olive pizza, which is the shizzledizzlehizzlewizzlemizzle. I'm really tired but I don't want to go to sleep, I'll just sleep at a normal time tonight, early maybe, like 8 or 7. Then I can sleep in the car on the way back. I just realized that I had my headphones on and I wasn't listening to anything, so I took them off. I've enjoyed talking to everyone online when I was here, hell, my sister even IM'd me from California. I got my post modded up to 3 on Slashdot about MML2. I'm looking forward to NHL Free Agency on Tuesday, I just hope Brian Leetch doesn't sign somewhere else, he should be a Ranger forever. I hope the Rangers can pick up Hatcher and maybe Federov, and I really hope the fucking league doesn't stop next fall. It's cold in here. I need some time to watch the massive amount of shit I downloaded, privately, for reasons that should be obvious to all of you. I got both seasons of Dark Angel because it was a cool show and Fox is a bunch of fucking asshats. Ok, I'm not sure if I'm just seeing things, but on the projector, currently, there is a cup talking on the phone while he's in a fishtank with a slice of pizza swimming around in the background. I keep looking back and that appears to, in fact, be what is happening. I think I'm going to check out the FTPs that are still up, and I'd like to make a note of the fact that this post is probably more random and rambling than usual.

Live From Kentucky...

...Million Man Lan2! I haven't updated in awhile because I've been prepping for this thing... Damn it's fun. We've just played the first 2 rounds of the tourney and we have not lost a round yet. We are 26-0, the least amount of rounds you can play. Here's the problem, we're about to play Netizen Team1, probably the only team we can play that actually can beat us. Actually, probably will beat us. But I can't be a defeatest... we're playing on Aztec, so it's all shots, whoever hits em wins. I just hope I hit my shots and then hope for the best. In the downtime between matches, I'm leeching some stuff off of an FTP. I already have The Two Towers movie, Band of Brothers, Jedi Knight 2, and I'm getting Freelancer right now... oh yeah, I got a girls gone wild svcd too =D
I'mma be on AIM periodically over the course of the event.

Nobody's on

I like talking to people online. I like it because it lacks emotion, facial expressions, everything. The words stand alone. I can start to say things then catch myself because I know I shouldn't say them. But nobody's ever on for me to talk to. I want to talk to you, right now.
When I get tired I get depressed, and immeadiately I start thinking about this girl. It's an automatic thing now, I've been dealing with this for so many months now its not even funny. I just want to be able to move on but I can't. I still love her so much and it's completely fucking useless.
I really suck at opening up to people because I've been burned so many times in my life that I can't imagine ever telling someone that I'm in love with them or even that I like them a little bit. I always override my feelings with common sense now, knowing that not only will I completely fuck up my relationship with them, even if they felt the same way, the relationship would not work.
Anyone who has read all of my blogs knows that I like Six Feet Under, and when Claire started talking with Russell I just knew that he was an actual character on TV that I could identify with, the guy who is there for the girl to siphon her boyfriend problems into even though he actually loves her. When they started dating, I just hoped that they weren't going to fuck him up, but they did, they made the guy gay or bi or whatever, thereby destroying a relationship which I could actually identify with. I really liked Russell's character, loving the writing on the show in general, but I really liked the way Russell was written. I just wish he wasn't so stupid at the end.
I wish I had a girlfriend. I'm such a lonely guy because I'm not able to take that step wrought with so much peril, telling a girl that I actually like her and want to go out with her. I'm just so afraid of rejection that I can't even say that to anyone. I have problems telling people that they put ice in my soda when I asked not to, fuck saying "I'm in love with you." I've created for myself such a miserable emotional existance. I'm so fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself, but I can't do anything to change it. I just let time run, hoping that maybe something will work out for me, but I won't let anything. I can't ever forsee myself being happy. I was so intensely happy for such a short period of time and it was all ruined. Just fucking ruined. I should have actually indulged in what I had, but I was way too timid and I kind of ended up in limbo, unable to actually remove myself from the mental context of a relationship. There's a girl that I like and I'd like to say something to, but I'm not going to be able to, and I wouldn't because even if I did, there is no way anything would ever work out between us, and there's no way she even likes me. This is why I want everyone's thoughts to be out in the open, because somewhere, somehow, there must have been a girl who actually liked me, who thought I was funny or clever or SOMETHING redeeming behind this miserable asshole facade that I've created for myself. I'm so fucking angry right now, I'm just bitter at the world. I can't even be happy that I had a party tonight and people gave me a shitload of money. Fuck, why am I so lame? I'm angry at myself for being such an emotional asshole. There are way too many 'I's in this post, all this shit about how I'm a fucking lame emotional asshole who is too much of a pussy to fucking say shit to anyone. I'm going to say this and relative to like everyone else in the world, it isn't true, but my life sucks.

I am no longer a high school student.

And I'm all the better for it.