Nobody's on
I like talking to people online. I like it because it lacks emotion, facial expressions, everything. The words stand alone. I can start to say things then catch myself because I know I shouldn't say them. But nobody's ever on for me to talk to. I want to talk to you, right now.
When I get tired I get depressed, and immeadiately I start thinking about this girl. It's an automatic thing now, I've been dealing with this for so many months now its not even funny. I just want to be able to move on but I can't. I still love her so much and it's completely fucking useless.
I really suck at opening up to people because I've been burned so many times in my life that I can't imagine ever telling someone that I'm in love with them or even that I like them a little bit. I always override my feelings with common sense now, knowing that not only will I completely fuck up my relationship with them, even if they felt the same way, the relationship would not work.
Anyone who has read all of my blogs knows that I like Six Feet Under, and when Claire started talking with Russell I just knew that he was an actual character on TV that I could identify with, the guy who is there for the girl to siphon her boyfriend problems into even though he actually loves her. When they started dating, I just hoped that they weren't going to fuck him up, but they did, they made the guy gay or bi or whatever, thereby destroying a relationship which I could actually identify with. I really liked Russell's character, loving the writing on the show in general, but I really liked the way Russell was written. I just wish he wasn't so stupid at the end.
I wish I had a girlfriend. I'm such a lonely guy because I'm not able to take that step wrought with so much peril, telling a girl that I actually like her and want to go out with her. I'm just so afraid of rejection that I can't even say that to anyone. I have problems telling people that they put ice in my soda when I asked not to, fuck saying "I'm in love with you." I've created for myself such a miserable emotional existance. I'm so fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself, but I can't do anything to change it. I just let time run, hoping that maybe something will work out for me, but I won't let anything. I can't ever forsee myself being happy. I was so intensely happy for such a short period of time and it was all ruined. Just fucking ruined. I should have actually indulged in what I had, but I was way too timid and I kind of ended up in limbo, unable to actually remove myself from the mental context of a relationship. There's a girl that I like and I'd like to say something to, but I'm not going to be able to, and I wouldn't because even if I did, there is no way anything would ever work out between us, and there's no way she even likes me. This is why I want everyone's thoughts to be out in the open, because somewhere, somehow, there must have been a girl who actually liked me, who thought I was funny or clever or SOMETHING redeeming behind this miserable asshole facade that I've created for myself. I'm so fucking angry right now, I'm just bitter at the world. I can't even be happy that I had a party tonight and people gave me a shitload of money. Fuck, why am I so lame? I'm angry at myself for being such an emotional asshole. There are way too many 'I's in this post, all this shit about how I'm a fucking lame emotional asshole who is too much of a pussy to fucking say shit to anyone. I'm going to say this and relative to like everyone else in the world, it isn't true, but my life sucks.
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