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You ever have one of those days where nothing comes out good at all? Where things that just should work don't? Lets see what happened to me today:
Graduation Practice. Most boring shit ever, and fucking Andrew is like "Lets just leave, no one will come back anyway..." Saying Hi to Schivone when she called my fucking house and almost got my dad picking up the phone was not fucking fun. I need to be more assertive.
Relatives came over. I don't like people.
Came home, got blown out in Monkey Soccer. Did shitty in UT. Didn't scrim because fucking Heat, the dumbest person in the fucking clan, was there before me. I need to play better.
Mowed the fucking lawn. I need to collect the $40 my dad owes me now.
Went out, got my hair cut, which I had been putting off for about a month and a half, didn't really like it. Went to Taco Bell beforehand, bought too many tacos, and I felt shitty when I was getting my hair cut. Bought a new watch at K-Mart, now I have to learn analog time again. Bought new headphones for a CD player I can't FUCKING FIND!!!!!!!
I need to not go out if it means I'm going to miss a fucking scrim.
Couldn't find the Danny's flyer. This, the least important item of the day, just pissed me off to no end, because it's the fucking principle of the fucking thing.
Now I'm eating a Danny's hamburger and it's good. But I'll probably be too full to eat another, just to make my day that much worse.
No one can ever be honest. I would like to just one time, hear the thoughts of other people, the real, true thoughts. I swear that I will never say anything to anyone about this, but if you read my previous post, post your actual, real, true, completely brutally honest thoughts reading it what I'm alluding to, and I just might say if thats what I was thinking about. You can even be anonymous when you post something, I'm not going to judge or hold any grudges upon anyone for posting anything about what I say. This is just a curiousity that I have. I really, truly want to see how people react to what I post.
Just to clarify, again, I am not saying I'm gay. I totally think that's what everyone is thinking after what I posted at the end... this will probably further cement it in your minds.
I also want to say that I'm not homophobic, I just don't want to be labeled gay...
Both of those things could be interpreted as the exact opposite, and probably will be, but I swear to you all that they're both true. If you want to say that I'm lying out my teeth, go for it, because then this post would have accomplished something. =D
And you might have noticed that you can't see the comments with the page like this, so they're at the bottom, you should see a little line, move your mouse over next to it and the comment area will be highlighted... it wont let me put links in white for some reason =/
I just wanted to say that I feel weird. Thats it, thats all I wanted to say. So, of course, I'm going to say some other things. I really like Super Monkey Ball 2's soccer game... regardless of the flaws it has, it is just so insanely fun... I think I saw the funniest thing I have ever seen ever in a video game playing it... completely indescribable. HILARIOUS! I completely forgot what was so funny I was laughing so hard... Bob proceeded to throw the controller into my garbage can and shut off the game.
Ahhhhhh good times. I did some detective work that involved tracking down one person's AIM name. Two parties colluded in the discovery of this person's name, one unwitting and one witting. Witting? Anyway, I don't have anything clever to say or interesting to write, so I don't think I'm going to say anything more, so goodnight.
Edit:
You know what? I'm going to tack this onto the end here. I have so many things in my mind that I don't want to say to anyone, so many thoughts that are just sitting there that I can't tell anyone about or won't tell anyone about, just because they will fuck things up. If we could always know the thoughts of others, would we have some separate mechanism of controlling our thoughts the way we have ways of controlling our words, because other people can hear those words? Would we have to censor our thoughts the way we censor our words? Would we lie in our thoughts the way we lie in our words? What if tommorrow, this war could be over? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth... dying for? You weren't expecting that. Or that. When we would think near another person, "Hey I really like you" and they would hear that, would they react the same in that world as they would hearing someone say "Hey I really like you" in this world? Would it carry the same weight? Is the idea of having two separate existances, thought and speech, a positive thing or a negative thing? Is having something others think is negative that you can't control hidden worse than having it being known to all? Is mental privacy detrimental to humans as a society? Does it create public predjudices when privately we may have reservations, simply because that is the crowd and we must follow the crowd or risk being separated from them, alienated by something you can't control? This idea was sparked by a private idea, one that I'm not going to say out loud for fear of rejection, a very plausible fear of rejection. I think that none of us should ever fear anything that is uncontrollable, as I feel all our thoughts are uncontrollable and they are created by genetics and the environment in which you grew up in.
I've just hit that writer's high again, and it feels really, really good.
I also want to say out of a rather hypocritical fear, that this post is not some unwritten declaration that I'm gay... I have this paranoia that it's going to be percieved that way, and I don't want people to have to have a thought in their minds that isn't true, because they wouldn't ask, due to those two planes of each of your existances, thought and speech.
On a lighter note, now that I've said that I'm not gay I'll probably 'discover' that I am when I'm 50 and I have 3 kids just for sheer irony.
I went to the senior picnic today, DAMN it was hard to get up at 11 to freaking go to that thing. I expected it to suck, and I kept telling Bob in the car that it was going to and the start certainly did... They wouldn't give me my cap and gown because I didn't sign my Senior Contract... I got a half-rare burger from Fabbri along with 2 cans of Coke... meandered around, signed a couple of yearbooks, and had nothing left to do. So I found Steve and he's like, lets squirt Charney with water. FUCK YEAH! Thats when this thing started to get fun. We hit Charney pretty good with the opening salvo, but it was nowhere near enough... Eh, he ran away like the little bitch that he is, so we went to play wiffle ball, saw that it was gonna suck, and out of nowhere Charney nails me as I'm walking back... so me and Steve went inside and refilled the water, came back out and absolutely SOAKED Charney... it was hilarious, he went to his car to change his shirt! After that I went into the gym and found out that a bunch of people were playing basketball, so we started up a game and that was fun as hell. After I was done, I went back out, talked to a couple people, then got Charney again... he was warned when I told Bob to duck tho, lol. Didn't get him too good. We waited for freaking Sarah (she's not my fucking sister) to come, because Bob was giving her a ride home along with me and Min, and we just got in the car, rolled down the windows, dropped the top, and drove everyone home. All in all, not too bad of a day.
I'm going to screw around with the colors on the site... I'm taking a screenshot of the settings the way they were before, so if the site looks really bad, just comment on it under here, and I'll restore it, because I am your bitch, oh 3.2 potential readers.
Uh-oh... it looks like I exceeded the bandwidth limit, thats not good... and the links don't look exactly how I like, so... I hope they dont shutdown my page :*(
I'd say no text, but what I want to say is that I feel like I'm going to use up both my bandwidth limit and my storage limit with a post that FUCKING BIG!
The fucking was nessessary.
I'm going to try and write a rediculously long post here, so I'm just going to keep writing things as they pop into my head. Tigger is sitting on my lap. I was thinking about her last night as I was laying down petting her... I had just heard that my uncle had to put down his dog Scooby because he had cancer really badly. He sent an email to my dad saying what happened, but in it he said tell everyone 'execept Mark, he won't care.' But I do care, I feel really badly because I know what it's like to lose a pet... it's horrible. The last cat I had was my grandmothers, she was named Shadow, and after my grandma died we took her in, she was like 17 or 18 or something crazy and I remember the day she died... I was crying, I was so upset, the night before, I had tripped over her and I thought maybe that was why she died, but she hadn't been feeling well anyway and she just ended up falling asleep. I couldn't imagine what would happen if I lost Tigger, I swear, I'd go into such a rediculous depression I'd probably OD on Xanax or some crazy shit. She'll be around for awhile, she's fast and alert and only like 7 or 8 years old.
I got a hole in one awhile ago. It was weird, because I wasn't "very" happy when I got it, it was more a state of shock, and I just felt good for the rest of the day, except when I walked in the clubhouse and saw there were like 8 people there, when my dad had paid for the round and I had exactly zero dollars. You see, in golf, for those of you who don't know, you're supposed to buy everyone in the clubhouse a drink after the round when you get a hole in one. I kinda just went in and said I did it and then left. I really, really, felt bad.
I'm switching modes now, by changing the music, to Linkin Park's meteora... I'm almost tempted to listen to some Nirvana right now... but I think this will evoke in me some cool ideas.
I can never seem to get mixes right... I want to make a bunch of them for friends for no reason, but I've never actually made one... I used to make just collections of songs that I was listening to, this was back in the day when I didn't have a burner and it was fucking hard to find songs, right before Napster came out. The first mp3 I ever downloaded was Breathe and Stop by Q-tip, and it was some remix version I found on some mp3 search engine that rarely worked. It took me like a half hour to download.
Speaking of Q-tips...
This might be a little gross to some people, so heres the warning, you could skip this paragraph. You know what I've noticed about warnings like this? They are never heeded. It's like you telling someone 'this may be a little bad, i dont know if you want to hear this' and all it does is wastes that many words, because it's always 'go ahead...' In fact, I'm going to use this paragraph as a segway into another story about something mildly disturbing, so again, heres the warning: skip this paragraph.
This random girl IM'd me once and we talked for a little bit. She lived in like Pittsburgh and she was like 14 or 15, I think I was 15 at the time... we were talking, and I'm like 'I really want to ask you something, but I think it's going to upset you, and I don't think you're going to want to talk to me about it, so just say you don't want to talk about it...' and she just goes 'Oh, what is it?' I'm still a little hesitant, and she just tells me to ask her, so I do:
"Do you masturbate often?"
Immmeadiately she just asks to talk about something else, and I'm like, alright... thinking well, it's not like I didn't warn her. I wasn't trying to be perverted or anything, it was just something I was curious about. I think its kind of weird (I'm a total hypocrite as I say this) that we as Americans are so sensitive when it comes to sex... fuck, we show people with their heads blown off in movies in totally graphic detail, but we can't show any genatalia (spelllllllling ;D) in movies without getting an NC-17 rating slapped on by the MPAA. I talked to her for a couple minutes after that and then never talked to her again. I'm still shy about talking about things like this with anyone, I'm hesitant saying anything even when asked. Ask a very special friend of mine for some funny (or maybe sad) goddamn stories of me talking about that shit ;D
Fuck the Q-Tip story, I'm over here anyway... (it's not really about q-tips, aw fuck it I'll just tell it)
Insert Useless Warning Here
I have this problem with heavy earwax buildup, and I have to get my ears cleaned by like, a professional, or I really, literally can't hear out of them. There you go, thats something some of you didn't know about me before. For everyone who reads this who just randomly happens upon the blog... I was going somewhere with this but then it just died.
I got fucked over really badly by one of my sister's friends one time... after she was flirting with me for like, weeks, I ended up, with her in the same house, in my sister's room, sending her an email telling her that I had a crush on her. I didn't ask shit of her or anything, I wasn't confrontational, nothing like that, and she sent me this one line email saying that 'We're just friends blah blah' and then she never fucking talked to me again. I'm so incredibly pissed at her for not fucking being mature and just saying 'Alright... I don't like you back lets ACTUALLY just be friends.' Fuck, if I have any real hatred inside me it's for this one person. She still comes over here all the time and its uncomfortable as fuck. My parents got real pissed at Ashley when she was standing up for me, making jokes like sending my sister IM's from my room in HUGE FONT telling her to go home. That was pretty fuckin funny though :D
All this shit makes me hold back my emotions so much that I never know how to react without fucking something up... I have such a bad concept of how people are reacting to what I say that I tend to add a tone of voice to what they say on IM and infer something that isn't there, like sarcasm or anger. I hate how I react to people...
Wow, this post is becoming a real 'look at how pitiful I am' rant... I need to get back to that cynical, 'I hate you and I want you to die so there are fewer assholes on this planet' (this isn't getting much better)
Or I could just talk about hockey.
I love hockey, I miss playing it so much... (still all self-pitying... eh fuck it, I feel like writing this) I quit playing because, as silly as this might sound, I didn't want to shower with the team, and I was afraid of getting hurt, thinking I was too small. That's why I put on some weight, I think my mentality was that I was just so scrawny that I wanted to get bigger, but I didn't want to actually work out. Wow, I've never told anyone this before, and now I'm telling the whole fucking world. Maybe this will clear up some of my issues... I actually feel lighter in the eyes, somehow... maybe thats the refresh rate fucking with me after staring at the screen for so long... I'm starting to zoom out, where I can't focus on the screen, and I feel taller and I feel like I'm pulling back... I'm not really looking at anything but I'm looking at everything. Holy fuck, maybe this is the writer's high, like the runner's high, where you're just there and you're doing it and it's better than any other feeling in the world, even if you're getting fucking carpal tunnel and your eyes are going to become all twitchy and fucked up. Fucking cool.
Speaking of saying fuck much, I noticed when I was having an 'intelligent conversation' today I was holding back occasionally on the swearing... I deleted fuck like 8-9 times when I was talking to someone who knows who she is. This question is only for you, straight up, and I just got the craziest fucking feeling of deja vu... I swear I've typed this exact same thing before, and I felt like I've had deja vu of my deja vu, like I've now typed this exact thing 3 times... I wonder if that's my brain recognizing a phrase and then morphing the memory into making it feel like deja vu... annnnnnnyway, back to the question to this mysterious lady... ;P do you mind if I swear, like in the sense that I say it gratuitiously a lot and I can pull back on it when it's not nessessary? This is kind of odd asking this question on my blog but eh, I know that you read it. Now I think I'll end this huge rant before it gets creepy and I start typing about the fact that the little scroll box on the side isn't turning into that little sliver even though I've typed like a HUGE amount of shit... too late.
Thanks Diane. I've just been informed we have a reader, thereby bumping the Actual Reader Count from 0 to 1, an infinite percent increase. Potential Readers has now fallen to 3.2. Back to you Diane.
Thanks Tom. Now we go to Asian reporter Tricia Takinowa for a report...
I hope I got her name right so someone will get the reference.
I took my Crime and Violence final today, it was easy and such, and my hand hurt from writing. Isn't it weird finding something to write about that you actually CARE about on a test? I was doing an essay question on gun control, and somehow I actually managed to write like, twice my normal essay response, which made this one about a page and a half. =P
Tigger and Buku are both currently sitting on my table by my window. They're sister and brother cats, respectively, that I've had for like seven years or so. They actually have this sort of hostile relationship where they fight yet sit next to each other occasionally. Buku and Smokey, my other cat, fight all the time, and it's hilarious because it's like a wrestling match. For those of you who havent seen my cats before, Tigger is pretty small, about 7-8 pounds, and she has really soft fur, black and brown stripes, with a white nose and stomach. Best cat in the history of the universe. She gets a little violent when you push her too far too. Buku is like 15-16 pounds and ALL MUSCLE. This cat is a friggin tank. Like, when he wants to get away from me, he can literally grab hold of something and pull out of my arms. He's black with a white belly, and he has the loudest meow in the history of the multiverse, this throaty cross between... fuck it's impossible to describe. Maybe a llama-tiger? He's afraid of the slightest thing, we call him Boo. Smokey weighs about 97.3 pounds... ok more like 18-19, but he is just FAT. Fattest cat in the history of all possible time. (see a theme here?) Like, when he puts his paws down and crouches, it looks like hes about 2 feet across. He likes to lay on his back like a dog, so we call him The Dog. He's literally bigger than our neighbors little Shit-sues. (Yeah that's spelled wrong wanna fight about it? [also another, more obscure, reference to the same show I referenced before {ooh i double bracketed and now triple bracketed one thing "Wanna fight about it?"}]) When those dogs went out for a walk, they saw Smokey sitting on the lawn and they started yapping and trying to jump for him and he just sat there with this look on his face like, "You're fucking pussydogs, there I said it wanna fight about it?" Priceless. There is an unintentionally created opportunity for a pussycat joke here.
I'm currently listening to the song that played during the beginning of Final Flight of the Osiris, its by Juno Reactor and its called Conga Fury. Fucking pimp song. I've been listening to this song for like 3 days straight just over and over... I NEVER listen to songs this many times repeatedly, but it's just so damn good.
Holy crap this is a long post.
DowdahdahdahdahdahdahdahdahdahdAHDOW is the best way to describe Conga Fury if you haven't heard it... song is the sheezle weezle fo heezle deezle weeeeeeeeezle! I am SO white.
Time to crank the bass up on my speakers now that everyone left. I just realized that I actually have really good speakers.
I have 2 retail boxes of Dentyne Ice on my desk. That, and the big boxes of sunflower seeds have made me realize that Cosco rules even more than I knew it ruled before. One last thing before I go: I'm going to type up the ingredients in Dentyne Ice for my 3.2 potential readers:
INGREDIENTS: SORBITAL, MALITOL, GUM BASE, MANNITOL, ARTIFICIAL AND NATRUAL FLAVORING; LESS THAN 2% OF ACACIA, ACESULFAME, POTASSIUM, ASPARTAME, BHT (TO MAINTAIN FRESHNESS), CANDELILLA WAX, SOY LECITHIN AND TITANIUM DIOXIDE (COLOR) PHENYLEKTONURICS: CONTAINS PENYLALANINE
I do not think it is possible for this gum to occur in nature.
I'm going to dispose of the GFA and such, continuity be damned! I already screwed up a few posts by not having it on and I'm just gonna say "Eh!"
It's been awhile since I posted, especially considering the HELLISH posting schedule you 4.2 potential readers have come to expect of me. I just wanted to pop on and say I love Fight Club. It's by far my favorite movie now. (Almost Famous is my favorite movie in which nobody dies.) The Matrix is damn good, but Fight Club has that really "think piece" feel to it, in a way that The Matrix has a "lets blow your mind" feel to it. I just watched a commentary on Fight Club and it fucking rocked. It had Edward Norton, (my favorite actor) Brad Pitt, (I've gained a greater respect for him now that he's reinvented himself as not this pussyboy he used to be) Helena Bonham Carter (weird hearing her real, actual British accent on the commentary) and the director, David Finch. I absolutely love hearing commentary tracks where the people actually give a shit about what they're commentating on. Anyway, every single time I watch Fight Club I see something new. The thing I like most about the movie is that it isn't a movie that you won't get anything from it on the second movie, in fact, it is a far, FAR better movie the second run thru because you realize what is going on and you try and substanciate everything that happens.
Anyway, I'm thinking I'm going to bring my DVD player in the car for the Kentucky trip. That way, when we get bored with the Cube we can plug that in and watch a flick. I'm going to have some Netflix movies with me for that, which will be cool. Speaking of which, I gotta talk to Andrew and Bob and see what they want to rent.
Anonymous! Read this asshole's post on my friend's journal. Why the fuck would anyone be motivated to post something like that? And why the fuck are they such a fucking coward to post it without a fucking name attached? I fucking swear, I'm taking over the world and I'm killing all the dumb assholes, grinding them up, and feeding them to cows so they can be turned into the bullshit they spew. Ash, I feel for you on this one, it's really hard for me to take people saying shit about me... I hope you'll be alright, and I hope you find out this fuckwad's name.
good FUCKING afternoon. >=/
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