Hi Tigs! 

Hi Tigs!

I'm going to try and write a rediculously long post here, so I'm just going to keep writing things as they pop into my head. Tigger is sitting on my lap. I was thinking about her last night as I was laying down petting her... I had just heard that my uncle had to put down his dog Scooby because he had cancer really badly. He sent an email to my dad saying what happened, but in it he said tell everyone 'execept Mark, he won't care.' But I do care, I feel really badly because I know what it's like to lose a pet... it's horrible. The last cat I had was my grandmothers, she was named Shadow, and after my grandma died we took her in, she was like 17 or 18 or something crazy and I remember the day she died... I was crying, I was so upset, the night before, I had tripped over her and I thought maybe that was why she died, but she hadn't been feeling well anyway and she just ended up falling asleep. I couldn't imagine what would happen if I lost Tigger, I swear, I'd go into such a rediculous depression I'd probably OD on Xanax or some crazy shit. She'll be around for awhile, she's fast and alert and only like 7 or 8 years old.
I got a hole in one awhile ago. It was weird, because I wasn't "very" happy when I got it, it was more a state of shock, and I just felt good for the rest of the day, except when I walked in the clubhouse and saw there were like 8 people there, when my dad had paid for the round and I had exactly zero dollars. You see, in golf, for those of you who don't know, you're supposed to buy everyone in the clubhouse a drink after the round when you get a hole in one. I kinda just went in and said I did it and then left. I really, really, felt bad.
I'm switching modes now, by changing the music, to Linkin Park's meteora... I'm almost tempted to listen to some Nirvana right now... but I think this will evoke in me some cool ideas.
I can never seem to get mixes right... I want to make a bunch of them for friends for no reason, but I've never actually made one... I used to make just collections of songs that I was listening to, this was back in the day when I didn't have a burner and it was fucking hard to find songs, right before Napster came out. The first mp3 I ever downloaded was Breathe and Stop by Q-tip, and it was some remix version I found on some mp3 search engine that rarely worked. It took me like a half hour to download.
Speaking of Q-tips...
This might be a little gross to some people, so heres the warning, you could skip this paragraph. You know what I've noticed about warnings like this? They are never heeded. It's like you telling someone 'this may be a little bad, i dont know if you want to hear this' and all it does is wastes that many words, because it's always 'go ahead...' In fact, I'm going to use this paragraph as a segway into another story about something mildly disturbing, so again, heres the warning: skip this paragraph.
This random girl IM'd me once and we talked for a little bit. She lived in like Pittsburgh and she was like 14 or 15, I think I was 15 at the time... we were talking, and I'm like 'I really want to ask you something, but I think it's going to upset you, and I don't think you're going to want to talk to me about it, so just say you don't want to talk about it...' and she just goes 'Oh, what is it?' I'm still a little hesitant, and she just tells me to ask her, so I do:
"Do you masturbate often?"
Immmeadiately she just asks to talk about something else, and I'm like, alright... thinking well, it's not like I didn't warn her. I wasn't trying to be perverted or anything, it was just something I was curious about. I think its kind of weird (I'm a total hypocrite as I say this) that we as Americans are so sensitive when it comes to sex... fuck, we show people with their heads blown off in movies in totally graphic detail, but we can't show any genatalia (spelllllllling ;D) in movies without getting an NC-17 rating slapped on by the MPAA. I talked to her for a couple minutes after that and then never talked to her again. I'm still shy about talking about things like this with anyone, I'm hesitant saying anything even when asked. Ask a very special friend of mine for some funny (or maybe sad) goddamn stories of me talking about that shit ;D
Fuck the Q-Tip story, I'm over here anyway... (it's not really about q-tips, aw fuck it I'll just tell it)
Insert Useless Warning Here
I have this problem with heavy earwax buildup, and I have to get my ears cleaned by like, a professional, or I really, literally can't hear out of them. There you go, thats something some of you didn't know about me before. For everyone who reads this who just randomly happens upon the blog... I was going somewhere with this but then it just died.
I got fucked over really badly by one of my sister's friends one time... after she was flirting with me for like, weeks, I ended up, with her in the same house, in my sister's room, sending her an email telling her that I had a crush on her. I didn't ask shit of her or anything, I wasn't confrontational, nothing like that, and she sent me this one line email saying that 'We're just friends blah blah' and then she never fucking talked to me again. I'm so incredibly pissed at her for not fucking being mature and just saying 'Alright... I don't like you back lets ACTUALLY just be friends.' Fuck, if I have any real hatred inside me it's for this one person. She still comes over here all the time and its uncomfortable as fuck. My parents got real pissed at Ashley when she was standing up for me, making jokes like sending my sister IM's from my room in HUGE FONT telling her to go home. That was pretty fuckin funny though :D
All this shit makes me hold back my emotions so much that I never know how to react without fucking something up... I have such a bad concept of how people are reacting to what I say that I tend to add a tone of voice to what they say on IM and infer something that isn't there, like sarcasm or anger. I hate how I react to people...
Wow, this post is becoming a real 'look at how pitiful I am' rant... I need to get back to that cynical, 'I hate you and I want you to die so there are fewer assholes on this planet' (this isn't getting much better)
Or I could just talk about hockey.
I love hockey, I miss playing it so much... (still all self-pitying... eh fuck it, I feel like writing this) I quit playing because, as silly as this might sound, I didn't want to shower with the team, and I was afraid of getting hurt, thinking I was too small. That's why I put on some weight, I think my mentality was that I was just so scrawny that I wanted to get bigger, but I didn't want to actually work out. Wow, I've never told anyone this before, and now I'm telling the whole fucking world. Maybe this will clear up some of my issues... I actually feel lighter in the eyes, somehow... maybe thats the refresh rate fucking with me after staring at the screen for so long... I'm starting to zoom out, where I can't focus on the screen, and I feel taller and I feel like I'm pulling back... I'm not really looking at anything but I'm looking at everything. Holy fuck, maybe this is the writer's high, like the runner's high, where you're just there and you're doing it and it's better than any other feeling in the world, even if you're getting fucking carpal tunnel and your eyes are going to become all twitchy and fucked up. Fucking cool.
Speaking of saying fuck much, I noticed when I was having an 'intelligent conversation' today I was holding back occasionally on the swearing... I deleted fuck like 8-9 times when I was talking to someone who knows who she is. This question is only for you, straight up, and I just got the craziest fucking feeling of deja vu... I swear I've typed this exact same thing before, and I felt like I've had deja vu of my deja vu, like I've now typed this exact thing 3 times... I wonder if that's my brain recognizing a phrase and then morphing the memory into making it feel like deja vu... annnnnnnyway, back to the question to this mysterious lady... ;P do you mind if I swear, like in the sense that I say it gratuitiously a lot and I can pull back on it when it's not nessessary? This is kind of odd asking this question on my blog but eh, I know that you read it. Now I think I'll end this huge rant before it gets creepy and I start typing about the fact that the little scroll box on the side isn't turning into that little sliver even though I've typed like a HUGE amount of shit... too late.